True confession - I am a liar. When I set out to write this blog, I committed myself to being authentic no matter how it impacted me. I promised God that I would use my platform and honor my reader's time and attention by speaking the down and dirty truth, so here I go.
There are no gray areas here - there have been many times when I have practiced a broad spectrum of dishonesty - from thoughtful (Saying"I really don't mind doing _____",but I really did) to completely deceptive (I am ready to be married again; I am not still broken). It has gotten so bad that I struggle to find the areas in my life where I show up as 100% authentic. Bottom line - I barely recognize myself these days and things must change.
My mind is screaming - WHERE IN THE HELL IS THE LESLIE I ONCE KNEW AND IS SHE COMING BACK??? - YES, she is...
I see no value in figuring out how I got here, but I am certain that the road back to my higher self will require me to adopt new truths as my foundation. These new truths are hard to talk about but the medicine must match the illness. These new truths have come from lessons learned and are the anecdote to the lies I have allowed to take over my life. These detrimental beliefs have caused me and those who love me so much pain, but admitting them is the first of many steps to full correction. If you share any of them, be encouraged that you too can find yourself again. Here are my emotional skeletons:
LIE #1 - "I am better than _________ , more qualified and accomplished...., this should be an easy decision"
NEW TRUTH - What is for me will find me. Comparison is not necessary or attractive.
My ego has been running rampant the last couple of years so you will see a common theme in all of these lies. I believed much of my own press and incorporated it into my story instead of acknowledging that perhaps that job, nomination, contract, or whatever I was longing for, just wasn't meant for me.
LESSON: Somewhere along my journey my humility left me and arrogance took up residence.
PROMISE: I will honor my own efforts and accept all outcomes as God's will.
LIE #2 - "I said love you and that should be enough"
NEW TRUTH - When you love someone honestly and deeply, give them all that you have and more.
Love is a verb and meant to be acted upon, not just talked about. In my most recent relationship my words and my actions did not always line up - especially in the areas of respect and truth - and thus our investments in being a couple were not equitable. I gave what I wanted the relationship to have and not what was requested or required. The fear that drove my need to control the relationship's pace, direction and destination helped to ultimately kill it.
LESSON: My fears became a self-fulfilling prophecy.
PROMISE: When God sends me the man I am meant to love, I will do so courageously and honorably.
LIE #3 - "I should be healed by now, my business should have more clients, we should be married by now (or any thought that contains the word "should").
NEW TRUTH - Things take as long as they take so I must let go of expectations.
Becoming a widow was truly life changing for me. I lost my husband, my spiritual foundation and gained an abnormally heightened sense of urgency about everything all at once. I no longer trusted the process required for things to evolve into being, and overestimated my ability to bring about the change I was seeking.
LESSON: Unchecked impatience is a clear sign that my faith was not being nurtured.
PROMISE: I will feed my faith and starve my fears, especially those growing from impatience.
LIE #4 - "I deserve recognition from ______________; or to win the ___________ award for all that I have done for others.
NEW TRUTH - External validation does not make you or your work more valuable. It is a privilege to serve people.
Once the phones stopped ringing and the invites stopped coming, I realized how much the attention had begun to validate me. I began to embed my personal value with my professional role to my detriment. When you are on the outside looking in, the view is very different and far from validating.
LESSON: Pay close attention to the impact of what you do on who you are and keep them separate.
PROMISE: I will not lose myself in any position or accomplishment ever again. I am so much more than what I do for a living.
The journey back to my honor and truth begins with the first step and I consider this blog as one of many more to come. Life is the best classroom and I consider myself an eternal student. If you choose to join me by starting your own journey back to your truth, I promise you all that is good and healthy - freedom, happiness and personal power - awaits you. Let's go!